Dear Last Night,

Here’s how things were supposed to go:

1. Get home from work. Let dogs outside.
2. Put away laundry. Let dogs back inside.
3. Empty/Clean Roomba.
4. Water porch plants.
5. Empty dishwasher. Load dishwasher. Run dishwasher.
6. Let smaller dog out again.
7. Watch TV for a few minutes.
8. Let smaller dog back inside.
9. OMG! Didn’t you just come back in?! Let smaller dog back outside.
10. Let smaller dog back in.
11. Walk to sushi joint. Enjoy sushi roll(s).
12. Walk home.
13. Play video games until wife gets home from work.
14. Watch Futurama with wife.
15. Drink a beer on the porch with wife.
16. Bed.

Here’s how things actually went:

1. Get home from work. Let dogs outside.
2. Put away laundry. Let dogs back inside.
3. Empty/Clean Roomba.
4. Water porch plants.
5. Empty dishwasher. Load dishwasher. Run dishwasher.
6. Let smaller dog out again.
7. Watch TV for a few minutes.
8. Let smaller dog back inside.
9. OMG! Didn’t you just come back in?! Let smaller dog back outside.
10. Let smaller dog back in.
11. Take phone call from buddy.
12. Accept invitation to go out on boat with buddy and buddy’s buddy.
13. Text wife. Assure her I’ll be home in time for Futurama.
14. Meet buddy at boat ramp.
15. Put boat in water, head upstream about 2 miles.
16. See odd thing in the river. Cut engine to check it out.
17. Determine what odd thing is (old dock that made its way out several yards from shore before getting lodged into the mud).
18. Decide to head upstream a little more.
19. Check phone. Plenty of time.
20. Wonder why your buddy isn’t starting the motor.
21. Laugh as buddy curses boat for not starting.
22. Shoot the breeze with buddy’s buddy, while buddy screws around with motor.
23. Get nervous when you realize you’re adrift in the middle of the Ohio River shipping lane.
24. Ask if we should get on radio to call someone for a tow.
25. Resist urge to throw buddy overboard when he tells you there is no radio.
26. Continue breeze shooting while buddy tries in vain to start motor.
27. Text coworkers, let them share in your misery.
28. What’s that? No troll motor?
29. Paddle furiously to get out of shipping lane.
30. Say screw the diet, drink two beers.
31. Tell buddy to quit trying to start motor, before he drains the battery or blows the starter.
32. Cave to the dread, text wife explaining situation.
33. Wonder how bad it is that the sun is now set and it is pitch black on the water and, oh yeah, only one light on this POS boat works properly!
34. Call Father-In-Law who is both a mechanic and a boat owner. Plead for a tow.
35. Try not to audibly groan when he tells you it’ll take him 25 minutes just to get to the boat.
36. Watch Futurama time come and go.
37. Having floated back downstream about a mile, use eagle vision to determine that Father-In-Law’s truck is backing boat into river.
38. Exclaim loudly, “He’s putting the boat in! Just a few more minutes!”
39. Mock buddy for continuing to try to start motor when help is on the way.
40. Stare blankly when motor starts.
41. Call Father-In-Law. Explain that we appreciate the effort, but the boat is moving under its own power now.
42. Yes, seriously.
43. Get to shore. Apologize profusely to Father-In-Law. Offer money.
44. Decline need for help from Father-In-Law in hitching the boat.
45. Watch Father-In-Law drive off.
46. Resist urge to punch buddy when boat won’t start again and now I have to pull the damn thing 30 yards to the hitch!
47. Get boat hitched, pull buddy’s truck forward.
48. Get out of truck. Shake hands with buddy’s buddy who could now be classified as your buddy. Say goodnight.
49. Walk home.
50. Take off shoes, go to bed.

For all of the above listed reasons, Last Night, I’d like to invite you to go straight to hell. Do not pass GO!, do not collect $200.

Love,

Elijah