Dear Random Caller,

I know many people will be surprised to hear this, Random Caller, but I greatly enjoyed our interaction a couple of weeks ago. You caught me on a fairly stressful day and, to be honest, what happened to you after accidentally dialing my number was really unintentional. I needed to blow off some steam and you just happened to walk by as I released the valve. I’m sure the burns on your face will heal someday. For my Dear Readers, I’m going to include a transcript of our call, as best as I can remember it.

Love,
Elijah

March 2nd, 2013
9:28 AM
Saturday

*phone rings* I consider not answering it because it’s an unknown number, but I see it’s from the same town I live in and think, “Maybe it’s a friend who’s borrowing someone’s phone and they need help or something.” That happens a lot (not really, ever).

Eli: Hello?

Random Caller: HEY! I’m gonna kick your [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED]!

E: Ummm… What?

RC: I said I’m gonna beat you senseless! You goin’ deaf?

E: Brother, after the morning I’ve had you’re gonna need to get in line.

RC: Huh?

E: I said the queue forms on the right, be sure to take a number.

RC: I don’t know why you’re talking funny, but you best have my money tonight!

E: Seriously? This is a thing? This stuff actually happens?

RC: *muffled noises*

Background Woman: YOU TELL THAT [EXPLETIVE DELETED] IMMA THROW HIM OFF THE BRIDGE IF HE AIN’T GOT MY CASH!

RC: *to BW* Shut up!

E: If you want me to shut up, why did you call?

RC: *to me* I ain’t talkin’ to you!

E: I have to say, this is the oddest conversation I’ve had in years.

*bells go off in the background*

RC: *to BW* You sure this is the right number?

E: I’m almost positive it’s not. I wonder what the cops will think when I give them this phone number and let them know about the threats of physical violence against my person?

RC: Whatever! Good luck figuring out where I am with just a number, [EXPLETIVE DELETED].

E: Well, I’m sure the police have better tech than me, but let’s see how I do. This is a Madison number, I think we’ll agree on that. Also, those bells I just heard? I’d be willing to bet the Tweety Bird shirt your girlfriend is wearing that they are from the Presbyterian Church on Broadway, and since I know the property values are way too high on the West End of that neighborhood for the likes of you I’m guessing you’re probably in one of those row houses on First Street, or maybe you’re on Poplar Lane? You do realize how close that is to the Madison Police Department don’t you?

RC: Oh [EXPLETIVE DELETED] *hangs up*

E: Guess I was pretty close…

If it makes you feel better, I didn’t actually call the police. I assumed you were feeling sick at the thought of the cops busting through your door and that made me giggle.