Dear Pizza Delivery Kid,

I had several topics to write about this week, and I was debating on which one to choose. There was the death of one of my favorite authors, Elmore Leonard. The fact that my longtime companion and Supreme Queen Commander of All She Surveys, Oreo, is dying (acute kidney disease. It happens to old cats pretty frequently). A disagreement with the Mrs. about how best to load a dishwasher. There was a task I was recently trained on that consisted of a lot of hand keying numbers into a spreadsheet versus, say, automated data gathering. In 2013. At a fifty billion dollar corporation. Finally, there was the frustration of slogging through the archives of my company, looking for a series of documents that I’m quickly coming to realize no longer exist. I’m not entirely sure they ever did, despite having read them all at one point. I think Keyser Söze might be in charge of document keeping. These topics are all either sad or frustrating (though I must admit there was/is some comedic gold in the Dishwasher Debacle) and I’d rather not write sad or frustrating things for another week or two more. Cleanse the palette, as it were.

After thinking about it for a while I chose a topic. As I drove home I began writing the post in my head (as I often do; if I post on a Tuesday, I have typically begun authorship in a mental capacity on Monday) and was making myself laugh as I meandered down the highway. Upon arriving home I found my wife curled into a ball on the couch, covered by a thin sheet, head buried in a pillow, with Oreo on her chest and a glass of Ginger Ale on the coffee table. This can only mean one of two things: She doesn’t feel well, in which case I’d need to baby her all night or, someone has died, in which case I’d need to hug her and rock gently for several hours. A mental check revealed a number of things, and left a couple of open ended questions:

1. If someone had died I would have heard about it via some form of electronic communication. In this day and age it is nigh on impossible for me to not know something unless I willfully run from the data. So if someone did die it’s not a family member or close friend.
2. She’s never read Elmore Leonard so that’s not it.
3. She never drinks Ginger Ale. Ever.
4. Oh god, the dog didn’t even get up to greet me when I walked in. He’s just sitting there, guarding her. She’s definitely sick.
5. I wonder if The Universe is punishing her for loading the dishwasher wrong?

Eli: Hey kiddo, you okay?

Eli’s Wife: No. I’m dying.

E: That’s too bad. I kinda liked you.

EW: Do you think you’ll get married again, when I’m gone?

E: Not right away. I’ll probably wait a few months just to keep up appearances.

EW: That’s polite of you.

E: I’m a polite guy.

EW: *weird noise*

E: Do you need anything?

EW: An end to this terrible misery.

E: Anything I can provide for you, Sylvia Plath?

EW: No. Take this cat off my chest. I don’t have the heart.

E: That’s funny, she doesn’t have the kidneys.

EW: That’s mildly amusing.

E: Story of my life.

I took Oreo into the kitchen and gave her some special food and a bit of water. I made sure my sick wife didn’t need anything, then went out on the front porch in order to avoid catching whatever foul plague had settled on her. After playing on my phone for several minutes I got a text from my wife. Yes she was only 30 feet away but a brick wall separated us and she was mighty cozy on the couch. Plus, Colbert was on. Seconds later she sent another text.

Some people want hot tea and soup when they’re sick. Others want water and crackers. My wife wants cheese pizza. “Easy enough,” I thought.

I thought wrong.

Still not wanting to go inside and catch my death, I texted her back and then pulled up the Domino’s App on my phone. Domino’s is not great pizza and their CEO is not a great commercial actor, but they deliver and I can order pizza on my phone. Let that be a lesson to all mom and pop pizza joints: Hire your nerdy niece to build you an ordering app and no one need settle for crappy pizza again when they’re not willing to leave the house. I selected the pizza, selected the breadsticks, and threw in an order for a 2-liter of diet pop. I thought I’d just sit on the porch a bit more, scroll through Facebook, read some e-mail, maybe exercise my wit on Twitter a bit. Of course, I wound up just playing Bejeweled, but that’s beside the point. On a Wednesday evening it should have taken right around 30 minutes for the pizza to show up. I had ordered at about 7:15 PM. Dinner by 8 at the latest. Sounds great.

The following is a timeline and a transcript of what actually happened:

7:15 – Order pizza

7:17 – Open Bejeweled

7:18 – No More Moves on Level 2?!

7:19 – Continue Bejeweld

7:50 – Open Domino’s App. Tracker says pizza is on the way. Awesome.

8:00 – Get a phone call from a number in Aurora, IN. Aurora is about an hour from my house. I know exactly zero people from Aurora. Decline call.

8:02 – Another call. Same number. Same decision.

8:08 – Call from a Madison number. Okay, someone needs something. Answer it.

Eli: Hello?

Mystery Caller: Is this Mister [REDACTED]?

E: It is.

MC: Hi, this is [CAN’T REMEMBER THE GUY’S NAME] calling from Domino’s. Did you order a pizza from us?

E: I did.

Domino’s Guy: Okay, great. Thanks for that!

E: You’re welcome.

DG: Can you confirm your address for me?

E: [REDACTED, LIKE I’M ACTUALLY GIVING YOU GUYS MY PHYSICAL ADDRESS. GET REAL]

DG: And that’s in Madison?

E: Yes.

DG: Okay, great. You’re going to get a call in just a few moments from our delivery driver. He’s having a hard time finding your house.

E: Seriously?

DG: Yes. He’s new.

E: Like brand new? Just born? Doesn’t have a GPS Unit or a phone made in the last five years?

DG: *stammering*

E: Is it an Aurora number by any chance?

DG: Yes, that’s him.

E: Oops.

DG: Sorry for the inconvenience sir. Have a good evening. *hangs up*

8:10 – Phone rings. Aurora number. Chuckling, I answer.

E: Got lost, did ya?

Delivery Kid: Yes sir. Sorry sir.

E: No biggie, it’s just pizza. Where are you right now?

DK: I’m on West [REDACTED] right now.

E: Oh, this is easy. You’re on the right street, just the wrong end of town. Just head this way [EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s a one way street most of the way], cross [REDACTED] and you’ll see me sitting on the porch.

DK: Sounds great. Thank you sir!

E: No problem. See ya soon.

8:15 – Phone rings. It’s the delivery kid. Seriously?

DK: Sir, where did you say you were again?

E: [REDACTED]

DK: I can’t seem to find that. Are you sure this is a Madison address?

E: Yes. Are you sure you’re actually in Madison?

DK: Uh, well…

E: I was kidding. You are in Madison though, right?

DK: Yes. *beat* I think.

E: *contains an exasperated sigh* Okay, where are you right now?

DK: I’m on East [REDACTED] right now.

E: Are you sure?

DK: Yes. I just had to turn off onto another street because that one ended.

E: Okay, that’s weird. You went right by me. You just passed an old, closed Catholic church, right?

DK: Yes! And the street just ends! It’s really weird!

E: Indeed. Okay, turn around. Somehow you went past me. There’s a black hatchback parked out front. I’m on the front porch. I’m wearing a white t-shirt.

DK: Okay. Thank you sir. Sorry sir!

E: No big. It’s just pizza.

8:17 A silver SUV goes by, slowly. It has probably gone by more than once but I’ve been playing Bejeweled.

8:17:38 Brake lights on silver SUV go on. Looks like the kid finally got the bright idea to look at the house numbers. SUV starts backing up.

8:18 SUV stops in front of my house. A young kid gets out and immediately starts apologizing as he walks towards me.

DK: I’m so sorry! My family just moved here and I broke my phone so all I’ve got is this crappy replacement they gave me. *shows me a phone so old you have to wind it up to make a call*

E: S’allgood. It’s just pizza.

DK: I’m really sorry. I’m having a weird night.

E: It’s really okay.

DK: *just kind of stands there for a second*

E: Forget something?

DK: *realizes he’s not actually carrying my pizza or my two liter of diet pop* *turns beet red*

E: *chuckling* You’re okay, man. Take a deep breath.

DK: I’m so sorry. New job. New town. New school. *mini meltdown as he walks to get my stuff*

E: Deep breaths, friend. Madison is a really small town. You’ll get the hang of it in no time, GPS or no.

8:20 Kid retrieves my order from his car and starts walking back to me. While I was waiting I had dashed inside (holding my breath) to get some cash to tip him with. I was going to do 3 bucks, which is my standard delivery person tip but had slowly begun withdrawing funds as time elapsed and the situation grew more ridiculous.

8:20: 49 Kid hands me pizza with credit card receipt wedged between boxes and asks me to sign with pen on top of boxes. I take said items and begin said task.

8:21 Despite absolutely no outside influence to cause it, kid drops 2-liter of diet pop. It explodes in dramatic fashion. This Domino’s delivery driver suddenly looks like one of these guys.

8:21:15 DON’T LAUGH ELI! DO. NOT. LAUGH!

8:21:17 Kid makes a whimpering noise.

DK: I can’t… why did… *whimper*

E: Hang on, I’ll get you a washcloth and a towel. *runs inside to acquire items*

DK: *wipes himself down and dries hair* This is the single worst day of my life.

E: Has a crippled skunk ever peed on your computer and caused it to short circuit?

DK: No… What?

E: Nothing. Your bad day could be worse. Remember that.

DK: Okay. Sorry for all the hassle sir. I’ll make sure they take the 2-liter off of your bill. *turns back to his SUV*

E: Hey, you forgot your tip! [EDITOR’S NOTE: I had decided to restore the three bucks plus an extra one due to his hardships]

DK: No sir. I don’t deserve a tip after all this. Thank you though.

E: You stand right there and do not move. I’ll be right back.

8:22 –  Did you guys hear that? Here’s a kid having the worst day of his young life and he’s still got the integrity and self-respect to turn down a tip because he knows the service he provided wasn’t very good. That’s awesome. That takes gumption. That deserves a reward. I run inside and grab a $10 bill.

8:23 – Give kid his tip.

E: I’m sorry you’re having a bad night. Don’t let it wear down on you.

DK: Sir I can’t accept this. It’s too much.

E: Shut up and take my money!

DK: *smiles* I love that show.

E: Me too. Now get out of my face. You bother me.

DK: Thank you so much. This won’t happen again, sir, I promise.

E: I know. It’s all good. Have a good night!

DK: You too. Thanks again!

As he left to return to the Domino’s Home Base I thought of one of my first jobs (at a pizza joint, no less) and how confusing work was to me. Training was okay, but people just expected me to know things. Like how to talk to strangers after 15 years of being told to do precisely NOT THAT. How to work as fast as possible without sacrificing quality. How to deal with things like a 2-liter of diet pop literally blowing up in your face. I was lost and confused and only kept going because of the dollar signs in my eyes and the desire to have my own car. A credible threat of physical torment from my father helped as well. I couldn’t help but chuckle at memories of the old days and felt a kinship with the young man as he drove off. In the wrong direction.

I hope he found his way back.

Love,

Elijah