Dear Romantic Gesture,
I’ve been doing a lot of introspective thinking lately (which makes this blog post timely) and one result of that thinking is that I pretty much love my life right now. I’ve got a good job that gives me the chance to travel on occasion, use critical thinking to solve problems, and the standard bennies. I’ve got a house that is just this side of too small and starting to feel cramped, but it’s solid and safe. I’ve got great friends, three awesome dogs (though I’m still not sure how Zackie is still alive. I even wrote a bit about it), a great cat (I miss you, though, Oreo), and a robot that cleans my floors. I also have a pretty great wife. We’ve had ups and downs, but mostly ups. Sure, I still have moments where I want to throw her off the bridge and I’m sure that living with me isn’t all rainbows and unicorns but after some nuclear options were executed I think we’ve developed a deeper understanding of one another as people, and as spouses.
This was the thought I was having as I finished the book I was reading late last night. It was one of those moments of deep and abiding love and I was crushed under the weight of it. It was one of those moments where everything clicked. The entirety of my life made perfect sense right then. The good times, the bad, the really bad, all of it lead me to that particular point. I needed to tell her, but I didn’t want to wake her. She had gone to bed early that evening and I stayed up to read. I brushed my teeth and crept in to the bedroom. My plan was this:
- Open bedroom door quietly.
- Slide gently into bed.
- Brush the hair off of her face.
- Lightly kiss her forehead.
- Whisper, “I love you, wife.”
- Fall asleep, content with life.
Now, as you know, Romantic Gesture, this would have been really awesome. She probably wouldn’t have woken up, but she’d have been aware of the act, as most of us are when these sorts of things occur. Plus, it just would have felt good to have that tender moment. I don’t know why you abandoned me to what actually occurred, but I apologize for whatever it is I did that made you leave me. After you left, here’s what really happened:
- Open bedroom door quietly. Door knob slips out of my hand and door crashes against the wall.
- Wife wakes up briefly. “Wha–?” “Nothing sweetheart, sorry.” “Mumble mumble zzzzzrg.”
- Take one step towards bed, trip over black dog in dark room that isn’t laying on her bed, like I expected.
- Wife wakes up, less briefly. “You okay?” “Yeah, I’m fine. Tripped over Jinx.” “Okay.”
- Slide into bed, but don’t slide so much as fall face first into the middle of the bed because I slipped on a dog toy and my foot went sliding across the hardwood floor.
- Wife wakes up fully. “What are you doing?!” “So sorry, slipped on a dog toy.” “*sigh* Okay. Love you. Good night.”
- Get under covers. Wait a few minutes for wife’s breathing to return to deep, even pattern indicating sleep.
- Reach over to brush hair out wife’s face.
- Stick finger into her right eye.
That was basically the end of that. My wife woke up. And she woke up hard.
Eli’s Wife: GAH! WHAT THE [REDACTED]?!
Eli: Oh my god! I’m so sorry!
EW: What are you doing?
E: I was trying to brush the hair off your face so I could kiss you goodnight.
EW: Well you succeeded in giving me a black eye!
E: I’m sorry. I love you, so much.
EW: We need to work on your delivery of that message.
E: Well I can’t buy you flowers at midnight.
EW: Yes, you can. It’s called the Internet.
E: Well… yeah. But… but I wanted to be sweet and tender.
EW: And I appreciate that but your STUCK YOUR FINGER IN MY FREAKING EYE!
E: You raise a good point.
EW: *aggravated sigh*
E: I love you.
EW: I love you too.
E: Like, a lot.
EW: I’m glad. I think you’re the bee’s knees too. Except for the eye stabbing.
E: Yeah, that was an unexpected glitch. We plan on getting that fixed in Husband 2.1
EW: How long do these free updates last?
E: I think your service arrangement is due to be renegotiated in 2015.
EW: Okay. That’s good.
E: What about you? How long do I get free updates on the Wife Operating System?
EW: It’s cute that you think it works like that.
E: *sigh*
EW: Yeah. Good night, sweets.
E: Good night darlin’.
I fell asleep, quite happy. I mean, I felt like a buffoon, but I was at least happy about it. Then the cat freaked out and jumped on my face before running off at breakneck speed to catch a bug no one but he could see. This, of course, woke up Jinx who was ready to play. I didn’t get to sleep for another 30 minutes. Thanks for nothing, Romantic Gesture.
Love,
Elijah
Dear So and So 