Dear Interrupted Nap,

Naps are a rarity for me. I am one of those lucky people who can typically just flip an internal switch and fall asleep. Unfortunately, the downside to this is that if I take a 20 minute nap at three in the afternoon, I will assuredly be bug-eyed awake at three in the morning, craving for a restful period before my alarm goes off. So I never ever take naps anymore unless I have cause to stay up that late (all night Halo sessions with the guys, all night gripe sessions with the wife after an all night Halo session with the guys, international travel, etc.) but this past Saturday I was overcome with fatigue and had no choice. I told the wife, “Don’t freak out, but I think I need to take a nap.” You know how, back before visual effects got really good and cheap, they would have an actor just stand really still for a few seconds wearing one outfit and then have them snap their fingers and do a cut where they had changed outfits offscreen but to your eyes it looks like they snapped their fingers and their outfit changed? It was like that. “Don’t freak out, but I think I need a nap.” *wife snaps fingers* *is magically wearing PJs* Suffice to say, she was on board with the napping plan.

Before we go further, Interrupted Nap, I feel as if I should tell you a little bit of history. History that will explain exactly how a somewhat witty comment I made on a social platform turned into you.

You see, it all starts with a funny hat. Pharrell Williams launched himself right into the zeitgeist by wearing that crazy Smokey the Bear meets the Pope hat. It was silly and ordinarily it would’ve just gone away after a week or two of jokes. Not so in this case. See, in this case the hat he wore to the Grammys and the Oscars was really just an insidious way to get everyone talking about the song he wrote for the soundtrack to Despicable Me 2. I think it’s fair to say that this song is a monster. It’s the feel good hit of the summer, and it came out in November of last year. Also, it is haunting a coworker of mine. I’m not kidding. We recently went on a work trip to tour a couple of facilities in Georgia and it followed him everywhere we went. It was so prevalent that we just decided to start calling him Happy. So if you know who I’m talking about, just call him Happy for the rest of his life, please.

Anyhow, the song was in my head. To be honest, I love the tune. It’s definitely an earworm, but it’s one you can and most definitely should, dance to unabashedly. But, because I’m me, I can’t let something go by without at least attempting a joke. So it was that at 8:36 AM on the morning of Saturday, the 22nd of March I posted the following:

Clap along if I feel like a courtyard? Is that what you’re asking Pharrell? A courtyard?

It’s not a bad joke. It takes a second and assumes a certain familiarity with the lyrics but I’m happy with it. It got some good reviews and was retweeted a number of times so I felt validated as an individual. Largely because my entire sad existence is reliant on other people thinking I’m funny (so keep me alive by hitting those share buttons, kids) [EDITOR’S NOTE: He squawks a lot, but the author will not actually die if you don’t share his blogs. The editorial staff thanks you for your continued patronage]. Anyhow, Interrupted Nap, most of this was all over by 10 o’clock that morning. I went on with my day and everything was okay.

Back to the present.

“… need a nap.” *wife snaps fingers* *is magically wearing PJs*

So we go into the bedroom and lie down. The neighborhood was peaceful and the house was quiet. We had been there for about 3 minutes when I felt that first sensation of falling slowly down a deep well. I remember feeling so happy. “A nap,” I thought. “I haven’t done this in a long time!” Life was, as they say, good.

But then the bed started shaking violently.

My very first thought, as consciousness was thrust back upon me was, “Holy crap! Fracking has caused another earthquake!” but I quickly realized that it wasn’t the ground that was shaking, it was my wife.

Eli: Are you okay?!

Eli’s Wife: *giggle* *shake* Y-Yes.

E: Are you… Are you laughing?

EW: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

E: What the…

EW: BWAHAHAHA-coughing fit-HAHAHAHAHA!

E: I don’t know what’s happening right now.

EW: A cour-coughing fit-t…

E: What?

EW: Courtyard. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

E: Courtyard?

EW: It’s a -coughing fit-

E: Where’s your inhaler?

EW: In the living room.

E: Go get it, take a hit, then get back with me. Have you always been this insane?

EW: *hits inhaler designed to help her bronchial infection heal faster* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

E: You seriously need to tell me what’s going on here. I’m so glad to hear you laughing, but if you’re just going to start randomly laughing when we’re in bed I think that marriage counseling is going to be a requisite really soon.

EW: No it’s just *giggle*… Courtyard. I get it.

E: Courtyard? You mean… from my post this morning?

EW: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! A courtyard is a room without a roof!

E: Oh my god. Are you serious right now?!

EW: *giggle* Where are you going?

E: Well now I have to brag to my friends that I made my wife laugh so hard she had to use her inhaler to continue breathing.

EW: What about our nap?

E: You’ve ruined it with your slow reception of comedy.

EW: *pouts* *giggle* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So that’s what happened, Interrupted Nap. I hope we get to meet again some day.

Love,

Elijah