Dear Player to Be Named Later,
First of all, let me welcome you to the team. We’ve been needing a decent shortstop since Zackie passed away, and I think you’ll grow to be a fine asset that will contribute greatly to our organization.
Second, I should apologize. I wish there was a test or something that I had been required to take, because that would have immediately disqualified me from the position, and you would have been spared a lifetime of dealing with this bumbling fool. Still, I’m very excited that you’re joining us, even if that excitement is tinged with no small amount of fear.
I wasn’t really prepared for what happened when we found out you were coming to live with us. I had, of course, run through many of the potential scenarios in my head and had already intellectually and emotionally dealt with them. As such, the explosive reaction your mother had was the polar opposite of my two-word response of, “Well, alright.” What did, in fact, catch me off guard was the overwhelming amount of love and pride that came welling up from inside directed at your mother. I wanted to get down on one knee and propose again. I mean, sure I loved her madly and she was my partner in life and had been my best friend for years, but the love I had for her multiplied several orders of magnitude. I hadn’t thought it possible. And yet, here we are.
The day we first saw you I was caught unawares once more. I was standing there, in a darkened room full of strangers while my wife was in an uncomfortable position, staring at a screen and I still hadn’t grasped the significance of what I was seeing. Your mother fell apart immediately, and after much laughing and hand squeezing and forehead kisses I turned my attention back to the screen where you “were”. I was fascinated by the fact that this technology existed and began doing what I always do and started thinking about how the tech worked, and how you could improve it. To clarify, I’m not an electronics expert by any means, I’m just a nerd who thought about how to improve the customer experience (SPOILER ALERT: Go wireless). Anyhow, I’m standing there, thinking of SONAR, RADAR, and DRADIS when, all of a sudden, I hear your heartbeat.
And I lost it.
Big, fat, blubbering mass of tears and laughter. That’s what I became. Every single thing in life that I cared about went away except two things: Your mother and you. Brownie came in a very close third, but even he didn’t make the cut. Just you and your mom. Once I regained composure I kissed my wife and said, “Oh my god, we’re going to be parents.”
“I know,” she replied. “Isn’t it amazing?”
It is. It really is.
But I must warn you, you’re coming into this world blind and screaming, relying on your mother and me to keep you safe, make the right decisions to help you grow, and otherwise nurture you into a fully formed, healthy, responsible member of society. And kid, I am scared to death that I’m going to screw that up.
Listen, it took me three tries to get my shirt on this morning. Now I have to be in charge of a whole other human? Still, there are things I do know. Things I am absolutely sure of:
- I love you.
- I will do everything in my power to keep you healthy, happy, and safe.
- Probably not in that exact order.
- Diapers do not actually stick to baby skin.
- We are going to have a lot of fun playing video games together in a few years.
Those are just data points, though. They won’t really come in to play until you get here. In the meantime, let me make you a few of promises:
- I love you, always.
- I am probably going to be the disciplinarian. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you. See Promise #1.
- If what you did was wrong, but funny, punishment will likely be reduced, based on level of hilarity. But expect a stern talk about timing.
- My parents made a few mistakes along the way while raising me. I will not repeat their mistakes.
- I will make many, many of my own, wholly unique mistakes.
- Due to my background, I will likely be a security conscious nutjob. By the age of 10 you’ll know not to sit with your back to a door or window, and will understand the importance of reading a room within seconds of walking in.
- I accept your (legal, non-harmful) life choices, no matter what they might be or who you might love.
- Unless you turn out to be a goddamn Yankees fan.
- Gender will not play a role in what toys I’ll buy you. If you’re a boy who wants an Easy Bake Oven, you got it. Likewise, if you’re a girl who wants G.I. Joes, you’ll get them (dibs on Snake Eyes!).
- You get Legos regardless.
I am beside myself with glee, excitement, terror, and love. Your mother is beside herself with glee, excitement, love, and morning sickness. You’re grounded for all that nausea, by the way. Please remember that we’re in this together. You’re going to be brought into the world of humanity against your will, kicking and screaming, scared to death. You’ll be fine. We’re here for you.
If you have it in you, please understand that I’m being brought into the world of Adulthood of my own free will but I’m still kicking and screaming, scared to death.
Bear with me.
I love you.
I can’t wait to meet you.
Love,
Dad
Dear So and So 