Dear 2016,
What a terrible year you were. I’m not kidding; when historians look back on 2016 they are going to give entire lectures on how interesting it must have been to live during the tumultuous period where humanity began its spectacular fall from grace. I looked back and discovered that only three good things happened in 2016:
- My Daughter was born. The pets may not all agree with my assessment of this event, especially now that she’s walking, but her presence in my life has changed everything. Mostly for the better.
- My friends and I formed a Non-Profit and acquired the Ohio Theatre. Life long dream complete!
- It. Finally. Happened. I wept openly. I thought of my grandfather and how much I wish he’d been there. I sang to my daughter until she laughed and then got annoyed and then laughed again.
That’s it. Everything else about 2016 was a festering cesspool of tragedy and despair. You know how everyone got those Facebook Year-In-Review videos? Well, I don’t know how accurate yours was, but mine was spot on. See it in full below:
American society in particular did everything it could to tear itself asunder this year. Whether you were forced to choose between saying all cops were heroes and saying that some people maybe don’t need to be shot in the back while they’re face down in the dirt, or choosing between electing a woman with seemingly no connection to what life as a real person is like and electing an overgrown Oompa Loompa that turned out to be the smallest doll in the world’s largest and most complex babushka doll, American citizens just could not seem to come together on much of anything. Except maybe…
Whenever I think about our seemingly impossible-to-bridge political divide I get kinda upset and anxious about life. It’s then that I need Tim Minchin more than ever.
We lost so many icons this year, one has to wonder if the predictions of a complete cultural collapse were actually accurate. We lost Prince, David Bowie, Muhammad Ali, Gene Wilder, The Sanctity of the Supreme Court of The United States of America, the guy that sang the theme song to Diff’rent Strokes, and even ZSA ZSA GABOR (I hope she’s slapping a cop in heaven while getting married for the 10th time as I type this). That’s not even a comprehensive list! You know that old saying, “Celebrities die in threes”? Well in 2016, Celebrities died three at a time in threes. That’s a math joke. It’s not a particularly good one but, let’s face it, you probably still haven’t figured out the sum.
Yes, 2016 you were the worst year in recent memory. Perhaps the worst year of my generation. But somehow, and I can’t fully explain this, I have hope and optimism for 2017. There is not a single shred of tangible evidence for why I should think this way, but my spirit feels lighter and my heart feels fuller as we say goodbye to you. I mean, really, what’s the worst that could happen?
Oh. Oh, god, no. I’m so sorry. I am so, so sorry.
Love,
Elijah
Dear So and So 