Dear Prenatal Class,

Not wishing to be like one of the billions of humans and proto-humans that gave birth to their offspring in the dirt for untold millenia, my wife and I have decided to have our child in a hospital, under direct supervision from a medical professional that, I’m told, is an expert in baby things and Lady Parts. In addition to this, we decided to attend you, Prenatal Class, in an attempt to better understand what to expect when things started going down (like when the baby descends… It’s a play on– Nevermind).

Given that the class was being taught by someone who isn’t quite a Nurse Practitioner, but has more initials behind her name than a Registered Nurse and given that the class was taking place in a hospital, local bastion of science and medical discovery, I expected to be wowed by all the new things I’d learn. Excited by the new technology they have to take care of my baby. Awed by the sheer amount of wonder I would be subjected to as they explained to me that medicine is basically like Star Trek these days, and nothing was going to hurt, there are never complications, and my baby would surely be born with at least a GED and several job skills.

So you’ll forgive me, Prenatal Class, for balking at the fact that when I walked into the room I immediately noticed that the tables were placed a mere three feet away from one another, in several long rows. On the surface, this isn’t a problem. When you go down one level deeper and realize that this class is going to be populated by pregnant women and their SOs you should begin to understand that the people that planned this class, the same people that claim to have plans in place for all contingencies regarding the birth of my child, have failed to account for the reduced mobility of a woman who is six months pregnant. But okay. Whatever. You’re not here to critique every mistake you think they’ve made, you think to yourself. You’re here to support your beautiful wife. She isn’t bothered by this.

Eli’s Wife: My god, could the tables be any closer together?

Eli (out loud): A little inconvenient, sure, but it’s fine. We’re gonna learn a lot!

EW: Okay. You’re right. Let’s do this!

Eli (inner monologue): WHO ARE THESE IDIOTS? MOVE THE TABLES!

The lady who isn’t quite a Nurse Practitioner, but has more initials behind her name than a Registered Nurse introduced herself and handed out packets. She had us go around the room and introduce ourselves and none of the men spoke out loud. Whether by psychic link that alerted us to the fact that we should let our respective Baby Mommas do the talking or due to the fact that we were all equally terrified and confused, I’m not sure, but every single woman there introduced her Y Chromosome Assistant while we sat quietly.

The teacher started the class by asking us to open our packets and take out the top page on the left side. It was a schedule of the four classes we’d attend and, for a brief shining moment, I was impressed. We were going to talk to the OBGYN that would be on call the next week and it happens to be the OBGYN my wife sees. Then there was a lactation specialist, and an anesthesiologist. From the beginning to postpartum, they were covering all the bases.

HUZZAH!

Then I looked at another sheet that was printed in comic sans and I immediately lost all hope.

Below are a few excerpts from some of the questions I asked and the responses I got:

Nurse: Although we still have them, we try not to use forceps any more should the need arise to assist with delivering baby. Now, we use a small vacuum that is much less intrusive and drastically reduces the chances of –

Eli: I’m sorry, did you say vacuum?

N: Well, it’s not-

E: Are you telling me that if there are complications during childbirth you’re going to assist my kid coming into the world with a Dyson?!

N: No, no no! It’s a small, hand operated pump. More like a plunger, really.

E: A plunger.

N: Yes.

E: You’re gonna deliver my wife’s first child with equipment from the janitor’s closet?

N: I… Well…

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Nurse: … and that’s why we use epidurals.

Eli: So, this sounds like a much better, safer alternative to an IV drip of pain meds.

N: It is! Mom and baby both have a much easier time with it.

E: Any long term risks?

N: Typically no. To my knowledge –

E: Because essentially you’re just shutting down the spinal cord for a while. Any chance that can be permanent?

N: Well, actually –

E: I mean, you’re shoving a needle into my wife’s back and filling up her nerve receptors with a powerful narcotic. Any chance of lasting numbness? Will my wife be able to walk after this?!

N: I…

Eli’s Wife: *notices other Expecting Mothers faces* My husband’s just kidding guys –

E: No, really, this is a serious question! If they’re so safe, why not do them with all treatments? Why not administer them when you need to relax? “Hey doc, I haven’t slept well recently, can I have an epidural for a few hours to catch up?”

EW: *jabs Eli in Ribs* Shut. Up.

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Nurse: So that wraps up our first class! Any questions?

Eli: Yes. When –

Eli’s Wife: *clamps hand over Eli’s mouth* NO! Everything was wonderful. Thank you!

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I’m still distraught over the comic sans page, Prenatal Class, but I look forward to more education next week!

Love,

Elijah